Hope for the future, from the past

This may well end up being quite a long entry, so my apologies if you didn't want a long one to read, just don't. Further more, this may be quite a wandering entry also so if you get bored by it, you have been warned.

I was cleaning up my desk and surrounds this evening, because I didn't really have anything else to do, and I was going through old letters that were stacked up in one of my bags/briefcases that I had (I have quite a few from conferences and alike that I have used for various occasions) when I came across a rather 'thick' letter which had no address writte, but just my name on the front, and on the back there was a little heart and a name. I knew what it would be but I had forgotten the contents of it since no doubt it had been a long time ago. I finished cleaning the area, and then sat down to read it, with it jogging some bitter-sweet memories of days gone by when I was a much happier person for what I had. I'm not saying that I'm not a happy person now, but they were truely the days I would hold dearly with me, at least until better ones come along. Yes, for those who know me, it may seem like I am cheapening events that have happened after this period of my life, but I am not, because each chapter of my life has it's own merits, ups and downs, and I value them for their own, and not compared crudely against each other.

In reading this letter, it made me smile, and laugh a little, and then be wistful of the times I have been so lucky to have, and the love that I had given to me by this particular person, to which I am most grateful. Their words though, in my current phase of life have given me new hope for the future, perhaps not in the way that this person will come into my life again (highly unlikely at this point on both our lives I think, though if they ever did, I'm sure it would be interesting in one way or another) but in the way that it provided me with some strength of who I am, and what I am capable of doing.

For the last little while, with the degeneration of my latest relationships of the more personal kind, I have been in the condition of thinking that my personality and being is not one that is easily liked by someone else, to the point where they would be interested in having a more personal relationship, a longterm relationship that I am seeking. I am not desperate, but being of a more defeatist pessimistic view that I was 'damaged' second hand goods. However, reading this letter from the past has lifted me some, knowing that I was able to be the person I was to them, at least when this letter was written by them, to say the things they said from the depths of their heart and mind, without them attempting to try to write these things to make me happy or contain any falseness within.

I don't know how appropriate it is to do what I am going to do next, but I will transcribe exerpts of the letter into this post, so you can see and determine if I have any particular qualities of value. Yes, these are private thoughts, but I believe that they are not so private that they can not see the light of day or show the opinions of the person who wrote this back then. Time has passed, and it is unlikely that they will ever read this blog site, though others may read it and pass the information back to them, but I don't really mind since nothing that I am about to transcribe is bad, derogetory, defaming or of highly initimate nor embarrassing nature. They are though thoughts and words written by someone, who at the time, was in a close natured relationship with me, and they are (was and still am) a wonderful and warm person, and whoever is with them now or in the future, I hope you will look after them with everything you have, or I will come and find you and break your mofokneecaps............ =D

So, from the top of this eight page handwritten on every line A4 letter (just so you know how much I am ommitting) [things in square brackets are my commentary, if it says 'content' it means stuff I am omitting in between]:

My dearest dearest Don [thats me~^^],

[content]

I guess I want to express my gratitude to you. I have so much to thank you for [content]. I know you always thank me for giving you a chance [I worked very hard to get this chance~], but I've never really thanked you. Thank you for giving me a chance to be with you, to discover you to all ends,

[content].

You are wonderful to me, and most of the time - no, all the time, really - I don't deserve it, but I am grateful for it nontheless. I will never just get used to you, never take you for granted because you are far too important to me and I will cherish every moment. [content] You know know how I realised that I did want to be with you? One of the girls at DJ's [David Jones, a department store where she worked in young ladies fashion] asked me if I liked you, and I honestly replied that I wasn't sure. She then asked how I would feel if you disappeared. It was then I realised just how much you had actually come to mean to me. And you being the sneaky fellow you are, I don't know how and I don't know why, I just know.

[content]

If you dissapeared like that, I would feel as though my world just fell apart. There would be such a massive black hole where you used to be. I would practically feel empty and I would miss you so so much. I would ask why, and I would wish that you'd come back, even if you were just a friend. At the same time, I would still be happy with the time and experiences of our lifes together, and though it might hurt at first, I would never want to lose a single memory of you.

[content]

Do you want to know what I thin of us? I think we have something amazing between us. Something phenomenal. I am completely comfortable with you, I trust you with my life, we connect, everything works, and above all, I love you.

[content]

Do I tell you enough that I love you? And that you are an amazing and wonderful person, no matter what you may think of yourself sometimes. Have confidence and believe in yourself. Keep your chin up and look at life in the eye. Your hopes, your dreams, don't let go of them, you will acheive them. Don't hold back. You have a life [content] - Live it! Be you, the honest, genuine you, the you I love so dearly. Always look on the brighter side of things. And if there is one thing that you would promise me, it is this: no matter what happens between us, remember this. Remember this feeling. Remember the happiness, the passion, the greatness, the love. Never forget the incredible wonder that we have. Always remember.

Happy birthday, my darling.

[ending content]

Reading it again brings a lump into my throat, because, with everything that has happened since this letter, I do remember. And I am still so so very thankful for all of it. How it ended doesn't really matter. These simple words, in their handwriting, has given me more refresher than I really thought I would feel. It isn't that old feelings for this person are being raised, because they never really 100% went away, were just dulled, but they are not being raised greatly but having happy memories will still bring feelings back. It is because these words are true.

I have been someone who was dear to someone, and I know that my love for them was true too because what they described in the part about if I disappeared, I felt that when they disappeared from my life. But, I have a life, I have goals, dreams, and I am capable of them, just working slowly to get to them.

I am a wonderful person. I am someone who knows how to treat another person right, to treat them well, and provide to them everything that they could want that I could give. I am someone who deserves to receive the same in return.

So, for anyone who is reading this, thank you for sticking through this with me, and I hope you may have learned a little about me as a person and the kind of person I am =).

^^ And I hope this also lets anyone who is remotely interested in me know exactly how and what I am capable of making someone else feel like. =p So say hello will you? cos I'm pretty dense at noticing these things if you don't let me know LOL.