Yay.... More hatred my way.

It would appear, my 'actions' in the last few months has caused the dramatic decline of their opinion of me, because I have been doing things that a significant other shouldn't be doing.

Gee, my life is going *GREAT*.

At the same time, I am gaining more of myself, but losing friends it would appear, and very soon, then I shall be alone all in the cold.

Vunderbar.

Anyway, I heard a peice of information where I should be most interested in knowing it's direct source. According to this peice of information, the reason why I wrote my email asking questions about who I was , was because I was rejected by someone again.

*AGAIN?*
Hang on, I didn't even realise I had actually done anything to be rejected the first time. Further more, unless this particular person doing the rejection said something to the 'source' of this information, I want to know where the dickens they heard this from?

I think, at times like this, I should just leave my group of friends and just dissapear somewhere else since, they can't be really much good as my friends, if they decide to not support me, but instead let fly with ruminations, and secretly sharpening knives at their stone-mason like meetings.

But hey, who do I care right? I shall just dig myself further into that hole of mine, cover it a little with sand, and continue with my work. After all, once I have completed my PhD in another year or so, I'll just vanish, go away, move away, and I don't think a single one of them will care anymore, because this path is losing people, former ones known as friends at what would appear to be a astonishing rate.

I almost feel like crying , ha,.... I hate people sometimes, just as much as I hate myself.

What have I done? Have I been unfaithful? No, have I lied? No, my truthfullness is what got all of this shit happening in the first place, so why is it me, that is getting buried in all of this?..... damnit. Perhaps I should just go and hide, give them the satisfaction of knowing that I am too weak to deal with their sharp pointy sticks.


Oh yeah, I'm playing GAMES. WHAT FUCKING GAMES?! I can't be playing these so called games if I don't even know the rules, or that I'm playing them. I'm behaving like a 14 year old teenage girl am I? I've never been one, I've never had one as a friend, I've never been around one so how am I supposed to be behaving like one, or playing games like one?..... Sheesh.....

Professional help, that's all they say, well, screw that. Let them see what I can really be like. If they think I have depression, well, I might as well develop some, so they can be right. I might as well drag myself to the pits of hell, and then cap myself, go do it in a messy way. Knock on their doorstep, wait for them to open the door and slash myself. Go on, see what the hell they can do then. Piss blood all over their pristine carpet, through their nicely painted doorway, and taint their self-righteous manner. That will teach them the true meaning of depression.

It normally doesn't take little me to get triggered, but once my blood boils, it takes something to cool down, and well, it's not there right now...... Well, that's enough of a rant right now.

Hey, to you out there. Do you think this is an emergancy? Do you think I need help? Are these the words of a psychopath who is about to flip out and kill stuff?

And to you, who you know you are, I don't know if you will read this, when you will read this, if you'll ever read this, because I truely do not know if I'll ever see you again, does this count as an emergancy? Hahahahahaha..... perhaps perhaps.